HOPE

When Thato decided to tear the plastic and clean the smeared blood on him, he started experiencing a life he had feared would come into fruition but imagined would at least favor him for a little while in his lifetime, just enough to taste his fantasies. One early morning, a seamless transition of an ethereal creation opens his eyes to the sights of a shape shifting world; where there is an ecstasy of undeniable pleasure in every city. Quarter past seven, half of his imagination has been fed in his morning tent and invited time to adventure something that may be considered as infidelity.

Thato is a 21 year old, but has allowed the static to drag him to loneliness and a feeling of wanting more of what he already has. With a cheerful childhood of lovely collective memories of his family and relatives it is truly a dreadful journey to move past a life that was filled with joy and suddenly kissed the ground and formed a hole, which he finds himself in time and time again. Family gatherings was not his specialty as he wouldnʼt indulge in the idea of spending Christmas with his family but chooses to remain at his bachelor flat where he spends the day reflecting on his woes over bottles of wine and an erotica novel to pull his heartstrings to the pits, with pleasure. This specific novel expressed a tale of a young man who has had multiple sexual relations and never intended to be in a committed relationship; he was a Gemini, always ready to pack his bags and leave whenever he was bored in a relationship and never consider rekindling the spark through communication or any source that would help make him stay. Thato was triggered as he shared somewhat a few qualities of this character, and he is an Aries.

Six months into the year and Thato has been in two relationships already. They were not solid relationships per say as they were all technical. He had met both guys through social media in the space of two months, and both relationships didnʼt make it through at least three weeks respectively as the communication lacked and the connection was weak. And so the only thing to do was to leave in peace. Thatoʼs first sexual relation took place when he was just 16 years old; he met a boy who reminded him of sunsets and ice-cream, whose intellect was bound by bad intentions and his body that aroused any intended dirty thought that Thato felt safe in. They had never had a physical conversation before, but their eye contact led to something more than just two guys in the same high school with mere differences, it was special. It was the mystery between the two personalities that drew them closer to a place of needless desires. And so with a couple of text and nude photo exchanges the deed was pending.

“Hey, do you feel like weʼre two atoms assembled in one nucleus, because that is exactly how I feel,” asks Thato. Lethabo was a science geek, and so Thato felt it was slightly cheesy yet appropriate to say this as it was their first official fellowship and it would be messy if there was no feeling of comfort between the two.

“You sure know how to make one laugh, I like that,” Lethabo responds. Lethabo was of the same age as Thato, and the difference between the one was that he didnʼt take peopleʼs feelings into consideration but was very clear and adamant in his speech. He stated that their relationship would be of strict sexual intentions without any strings attached. A shitty reality struck a lightning between the two when Lethabo confessed that he was bicurious and “straight”. This baffled Thato because he never felt comfortable enough to engage in a romantic relationship with that kind, and so the agreement of no strings attached was sealed. After their first deed Thato felt a new energy, or rather a vibration that he has unlocked in his capsule of hidden truths.

Thato figured that because he never succeeded in either platonic or romantic relationships with people he was deeply attracted to throughout the years that he mightʼve been cursed with a pattern planted by his foolishness with Lethabo back in high school. He blamed himself for not being enough to settle with anyone. He had forbidden himself from having a crush. He crawled in his cave of loneliness and cold emotions which transcended to the night sky, and he became a wolf, one with the moon and the stars. A sprinkle of stardust descended to his disembodied anatomy and he is claiming to love and die despite the lack of reciprocity around him.

Another round of computer love came crashing his way this year, and it feels different. Oratile is one of a kind; dark skinned with ocean eyes that wash away oneʼs imperfections and arms that welcome reciprocal traits and intentional love, all the things Thato admires. This may be a long distance relationship but they seem to make it work. For the first time Thato is assured that love exists and although he wishes to kiss and embrace Oratile daily, their powerful introverted commonalities and personal transparency about feelings is opening the floodgates to a heaven they can call home. As almost perfect as this relationship may seem there has been an earthquake of uninvited triggers including insecurities and undeniable addictions; Thato is a sex addict that practices the act quite rarely but when he comes across a man who he learns has a high sex drive it is easy for him to be turned on and paint a picture of him starting a fire with the wood in his pants, and Oratile who is a retired playboy lacks confidence in the solidity of their relationship as he fears that men will prey on and/or attract Thato in a way that he will leave him for them.

This is not the first time these two engage in the pursuit of a relationship together; mid-last year they exchanged numbers from Facebook and things went smoothly, until they went south when Thato discovered that Oratile lied about his state of being, intentions and fidelity. The contact was lost and things became detrimental in both their lives as they equally experienced the turned tables of excruciating pain and a loss of self. A captivating tact was the magnet that pulled them close to each other again, cutting ties with anything that drifted them apart before and igniting iron in this journey they plan on embarking solely and collectively.

Temptations brew as the days become brighter and the hormones fight to engage in physiological activity. Winter is known for its deposit of uncontrollable worship to emotional companionship and physical interconnectedness, or at least that is the impression that it gives. This becomes a challenge when you are involved in a long distance relationship; it goes beyond comforting your loneliness. It evokes the ability to remain strong, sensitive and faithful by keeping your word. As much as he tried fighting this intense feeling of needing to be filled, Thatoʼs addiction was his worst enemy.

One good afternoon he visited a dance academy he had promised to attend in his semester holidays. It was a delight being in the space of release, comfort, excitement and great expression that he didnʼt feel any ounce of shyness but rather at home. Karabo, who is his dance instructor, was a performance arts graduate and opened an academy early this year with the financial aid of his parents and contributions due to his work ethic. Karabo has done well for himself for just a 22 year old; he has performed alongside the biggest names in the entertainment industry, traveled to as far as Glasgow in Scotland, attended one of his personal favorite icons Chris Brownʼs shows at the Heartbreak on the Full Moon Tour, and now owns a dance studio. He didnʼt have an exquisite taste in fashion but he knew how to dress decently. What was also attractive about him was his vision to bring together aspiring dancers and guide them to be their greatest selves, personally and artistically. He had a flawless skin tone with cheekbones that complemented his curly smile whenever he would blush or reflect a good mood he may be in.

The emergency hotline needs to be alerted of the danger that is about to erupt in the private session that is taking place in the studio between Thato and Karabo. The session began with a brief introduction, while Thatoʼs focus was the motion of Karaboʼs lips and the way his muscled arms and chiseled chest grew out of his black vest he was wearing. As much as he tried ignoring it his hormones were pulled right into Karaboʼs sex appeal, ready to swim in his waters. The first hour was dedicated to aerobics, and whenever Thato failed to be in the designated form Karabo would come and assist him by gently gliding his hands on the body parts that were tense. The deep breaths that escaped from Thatoʼs lips, his firm thighs and the pleasant sight of his tight bubble butt charged up Karaboʼs testosterone levels. Just within 40 minutes of the session without even getting to the routine dance their lips met and the touch of Karaboʼs hands on Thatoʼs face scorned any feeling of guilt but built a temporary paradise for them to butter the biscuit earnestly so. Seeing a naked body, a perfect naked body after months of a dried season, Thato took off his clothes in a matter of seconds and could not wait to have Karaboʼs rod in him.

The flexible positions they were in are the ones Thato only imagined being in with his lover, Oratile. Thato spent an hour breaking each word in his vows by moaning and whispering words that deserved to be pierced through Oratileʼs ears. When this was over and they got dressed Thatoʼs intuition told him to leave and never return, but his conscience was thrown away when Karaboʼs sweet nothings and ass spank before they departed drew him back in. Later that evening when he had just taken a shower he took it upon himself to call Oratile and the beginning of the conversation was, “My love, my apologies for neglecting you today. The dance class took longer than expected. I can barely feel my legs and all I want is you by my side, just to hold you, embrace you, and have you massage me like the good masseuse I believe you are. How are you?” Oratile was pleased to hear his loverʼs voice, even more delighted that he thought it was sweet that he thought of him throughout the day [poor baby].

Torn by misdirection, disconnected by negative dissemination, controlled by deception, Thato was on his way to hell. The only way he thought of coming clean was to try therapy. He came across an affordable institution on the internet and booked an immediate session. Two days later, without informing Oratile, he arrived at his appointment on time and was assisted by Mr. Daniel Tiro. Daniel is a qualified psychotherapist whoʼs been in occupation for six solid years, has qualifications in the study of psychology, sociology and literature, and is in high demand with any health and humanitarian institution locally and internationally. Hopefully this healing journey that Thato is embarking on will be fruitful.

He grew up feeling uncomfortable speaking up about his emotions, that even the company of a huge group was not his daily bread. He only has two friends and gladly prefers that. So the few sets of questions from Mr. Tiro were about Thatoʼs interests, friends, family, previous relationships and his current. To set the tone right and not create room for discomfort, Mr. Tiro thought it would be great to be minimal with his diagnostic approach at the first session so that it would be easy for Thato to return for more sessions. It was successful and a second session was promised. Right after he left the room he was pressed and decided to go to the restroom. As he arrived there he found a muscular beefcake tucking in his shirt and with a peek of his print you can tell that he would warm up your genitalia.

“Hey, I am Tshepo. Today was my first therapy session and I pretty much still believe I donʼt have to be here, but I am just trying this out because I feel broken and this is my way out. Whatʼs your name?” says the beefcake.

Trying to make sense of every sane thing this stranger has just said, Thato finally speaks up, “Hey, I am Thato and I am a sex addict (wow that felt like I am in a rehab center.) This was also my first session and I share the same sentiment. I just want to get better and become a better person for myself and my loved ones.”

“You donʼt say? Well, you seem like a decent guy and deserve a lot of love. I would like to know you more, if you do not mind. Here, take my number, and we can hangout whenever you feel like it. You are worth my time.”

“Thanks, Tshepo. I will surely contact you.”

With this very short yet explicit interaction, both these fellas were throwing signs of a desperate give-and-take exchange. A brief reminiscent moment that Thato had of that specific time later that day had assured him that he was not going to sleep alone tonight. He replayed the scene from the second he walked in the restroom where he wished Tshepo would have dropped his pants and unbuttoned his shirt, more so because he could tell he doesnʼt wear underwear as his pubes were longing for a trunk to accompany them. Not willing to waste any minute longer at exactly six thirty pm he sent his location attached with an image that no man can resist and a woman would be jealous of to Tshepo. In just thirty minutes an Uber dropped him off at Thatoʼs doorstep and everything was history.

It would be inevitable that the bridges would start burning the minute Oratile came to Thatoʼs place unannounced in the name of a surprise since the semester holidays have been extended. So the following morning at the wake of a terminated chivalry — Oratile is the one presented with an unfortunate surprise — finding his lover with another man endorsing bed peace. A feeling of angst and an imagery of a funeral brought Oratile to tears, with no will to fight anyone he became numb and released his hands off his bag, which woke Thato and put him at ease. This time around there was no phone to color his lies, no emoji or text that will deceive and dig out Oratileʼs heart in the grave he has planted for a while.

“Baby… I…. Youʼre here. This is not what it looks like. We were… I mean I was just… Oh shit!”

“I have given you my life. I breathed truth, love and faithfulness in every word and thought, but you chose to throw it all in the fire. You chose to bury me instead of watering me. I was on the lifeline, trying to kill myself for my past transgressions, and when you came along I fought to keep myself sane because that is the intention you gave me. But I guess I played myself. I might as well kill myself for real this time.”

“Baby, please listen to me. None of this means anything. I am truly sorry you found me in this state. I didnʼt even know you were coming. I couldʼve…”

“Couldʼve fucked your nigga and told him to leave in the night so I will not find him here? Couldʼve cussed me out with every moan and gasp you entertained him with without me knowing?”

“I am truly sorry baby. I- I am in therapy.”

Oratileʼs hallelujah has been suffocated by the violent chains of conditional love. The abuse of self is set to contaminate any relationship that has hope, any feeling that may result in bliss and a taste of freedom. Thato regrets not being intentional, not just in his relationship with Oratile but with himself. Heʼs on the brink of madness, and if he doesnʼt commit to his therapy he might just keep drowning and lose it all. Tshepo finally wakes up and is in the crossfire but wants to leave and avoid the drama.

“I can definitely agree that you had good therapy tonight. I mean, itʼs possible with a nigga as beautiful as this and with a dick as long as our so-called love. I am leaving with the little breath and dignity I have. And you [Tshepo], whoever you are, you donʼt have to leave. I know that Thato loves morning glory, at least I am hoping thatʼs not another lie he told me. Donʼt contact me. What we had is over, I am done.”

Thato regretted his actions, spat on his ill discipline, and went to bed to lie in his lies and future decisions. He asked Tshepo to leave and as much as the urge of anger, loneliness and pain he was feeling he thought the beefcake was at the right place and at the right time, he was not going to entertain the thought for he knew it would not mend his broken heart. Tshepo didnʼt have the energy to utter any more words or even suggest another round but just put on his clothes and said, “See you soon. Get better.”

Steering his way into a rotation of bad habits, Thato has finally thrown in the towel and is willing to own up to his faults and receive the necessary counseling. On the second therapy session with Mr. Tiro he decided to just reveal what was hidden and free his chest, more so his heart, and began talking about how he grew up in an emotionally troubling home where he witnessed his mother die in the hands of his father through sexual abuse and domestic violence. He was the only child and with no one to turn to as he could not comprehend the happenings of adult breakouts as a 5 year old child. And to keep him restrained and only trigger his shock his father ended up molesting him when he could not accept the reality that his son may be homosexual. He ripped the head of the Barbie doll Thatoʼs mother got for him and ensured that at every attempt of “acting gay” his punishment would be to submit to his fatherʼs sexual demons. Imagine learning how to be a slave at the age of 5 to a man who is supposed to teach you how to acknowledge and own your identity, be free of any iniquities, and be a child. Imagine bleeding out of pain almost every night from heartless penetration because of not being accepted for who you are. Imagine being scarred for life for just being. Imagine hating yourself.

“Thato, this is very traumatic and heart wrenching. I truly apologize for every pain you were forced to live with throughout your life. I am sorry that you were not being taught how to love, how to nurture, how to become your truest self. But it is good that we can acknowledge the gap that needs to be mended within you. You are finally releasing the burden. You are encountering with your heart and right now you will feel a new energy of liberation because you are canceling any subscriptions of destruction, addiction, confliction, self loathe, and you are setting yourself free. Think about yourself, think about the version you believe in becoming, think about the present and nurture your soul,” Mr. Tiro comments.

The answer that Thato had been overlooking was the man in the mirror. He became a ghost hoping to escape in every manʼs body that he never cared to take care of himself. Daniel was kind enough to suggest that he goes to rehab for a subsequent recovery if he really wants to become his destined self and relearn to love again. After losing his mother, his boyfriend and his sanity, he accepted the offer to right his wrongs and start existing for the betterment of himself. This road is not going to be easy, but with the conviction of self validation there is no place where his vulnerability will hide. He will listen to his intuition. He will heal all his wounds. He will cast out all demos and be excited about life again. Thato will be a reflection of the essence and meaning of his name — will/testament.

Written: July 2019