who knew?

At the crack of dawn of a new summer where the South African human race chants in glorious contentment, the trees and flowers feeling the warmth of the sun in jubilation, and the sky painted with hues of refreshment and excitement, the dark still manages to pierce through the most expensive creation there is. With the holiday season at hand one would imagine being embraced with the festivities of oneness. It had only been three days since Jabu returned home from the city where he is hopeful for the arrival of his dreams. A “know-it-all prick” all people seem to define him as is actually a lonesome young man who is looking for a place where he can feel the pleasure of adornment and belonging. Jabu has always been stuck in the middle growing up and finding the urge to be the peacemaker and patch holder of his home, him being the middle child of 3, has undoubtedly taken a toll on the development of his innermost connection with the outside world. Although he has encountered various human interactions between being involved in high school activities such as debate, chess, tennis, leadership roles, and detecting truths behind stories from books he indulged in at the national library in his hometown and weekly discussions of the worldʼs breaking news, he found amusement in having knowledge as his best friend. With that many years of social networking experience he still fell short of a human interconnection.

In his solo flight he endures the unforeseen plight of engaging with the strange world of technology where his imagination runs wild with all the comforts of meeting new people. Twitter was a favorite as it would be an obvious way to explore different perspectives and apply your own opinions onto the displayed subjects. Although he managed to gain a great following for his controversial tweets regarding the arts, politics and education, something that he still found utterly confusing was the interest most people seemed to have in platonic and romantic conversations. Thereʼs not a day that passes by without a number of people on the internet displaying their happiness in love, or their sexual freedom, and some even taking their time to attack other happy couples with their vices of vengeance and loneliness and straight hatred that not only invites a complex outlook of their lifestyle but contradicts oneʼs intentions to somebody else. Jabu has never had a real friend, mostly because everyone thought him out to be an outcast and not good enough to fit in a certain circle of mutuals. Neither was he ever in a romantic relationship which gave Sipho, a friend he made in grade 5 and canceled the next grade, an advantage to hook him up with a girl in their class. Sipho was a mischievous chap who has been rebelling against the public sphere since he was a toddler because of his damaged upbringing. He refused to play by the books (which would be interesting to follow if he had good intentions and played out positive acts), and only found pleasure being on the edge. So one Friday he skipped school to go hunt for a gift by shoplifting at a supermarket only to ensure that his friend would secure something solid with the girl in class. He waited until school was out and waited for Jabu at their normal corner stop. Meisie, the girl in their class, always walks past there 10 minutes later, which gives Sipho a brief time for an overview of how Jabu would approach Meisie.

Long story short, Jabu failed dismally. He didnʼt have the words to utter a clear speech to Meisie as he usually would in a formal essay or column. He chewed the flower petals and dropped the chocolate box between Meisieʼs legs in total anxiety and ran away, leaving Sipho disappointed 4 meters from where they were situated. Jabu was in total shame and felt he made a fool of himself with his first encounter with a girl, and swore not to do it again after a couple of years. 

(Knock on the door)

(Sipho enters)

“What on earth was that, buddy? You had the perfect opportunity to seal the deal. You had Meisie right in front of you waiting to be swept off of her feet and be yours, but you had to be a chicken. I knew I shouldnʼt have given you access to me. You disappointed me with your weakness. And now I stole all those goods for nothing. You make me sick. Youʼre a total wimp!” In this very moment Jabu had realized why he always feared to exercise effective human interaction. And with water in his eyes as if he wasnʼt humiliated enough earlier on, his so-called friend comes in his home to ridicule him of his misfortune. “Sipho, Iʼve tolerated your toxicity for the longest time. Keeping my silence for your injustices, catering to your lonely needs when your family abandoned you, helping you with your homework when you bullied me before we became friends. You made me feel inferior most of the time, more so now that I failed to do what YOU wanted me to do. And the fact that you forced me to get a girl for your amusement and beneficial appearance just goes to show me that friendship is fatal and I would rather be a “know-it-all” and alone than be associated with you. Please leave my home and my life,” Jabu exclaimed.

After the recollection of such a memory the two surprisingly bumped into each other at a supermarket in their 20s with grown beards and glowing skins. Sipho greeted Jabu with a smile, something he never normalized in his lifetime. But his time away from town and in a new environment with new people and constant visits to a rehabilitation center for his drug use and alcohol abuse, he wanted to make ends meet and recover any healthy relationship in his life. Growing up an orphan, Sipho found a home in Jabuʼs life. As much as he disregarded his feelings and actions in the past, never for a moment in the past 8 years since they parted ways did he forget about him. The memory of him kept him somewhat sane when he was fighting his addictions and reclaiming a pure life for himself in rehab. His wish was to mistakenly meet him and rectify all his mishaps, and hopefully gain Jabuʼs forgiveness. Jabuʼs stay in the city was not as liberated and joyful as any varsity student would want their time to be. He loved his course and his apartment that was filled with a scenery of nature and tranquillity. He was a book and plant collector. He was also a bachelor who observed characters and made sure that the positive ones were good company and would regularly have them over his place. To his openness to a certain level of mutual interest and collective human understanding, his kindness was wasted when Thando (a girl he was casually vibing with) broke his trust and had his apartment and innocence thrashed in pieces. The night they wrote their final exam he invited Thando over to his place ready to wine and dine to some pasta, red wine and alternative R&B music that just puts your body in a trance of sex. It was going to be their first time, more importantly Jabuʼs first time, and he has never been more ready to give himself away to someone as he was to Thando.

Thando had other plans for him. She enjoyed the mood that was set in the place; different room lightings in each room of the apartment, red was in the living room as youʼd imagine criminals would invade and cause danger at present. Thando ensured that the front door was not locked because her three gang friends were in position to rob Jabu off. The moment the two were readying the deed in the bedroom Thando paused to alert his friends to come over via text. To not bring any suspicion to her direction she suggested BDSM right after the young strip tease she offered him, and he was keen to try it out. Next thing the gang entered the place silently and took every valuable in the kitchen and living room before they headed to the bedroom where the hard-core action would take place. Before Thando would take her panties off the two guys barged in the room with guns in their hands and balaclavas on their faces commanding Jabu to undress his clothes and lay submissively on the bed. “Can you imagine this fool really thought I loved him, let alone wanted to have sex with him? I mean he is cute, but I am worth so much more than this,” Thando tells the guys as she gets dressed to watch the show. Knowing that they had everything they came for they wanted to do one last thing to complete the mission, and that was to strip Jabu off his innocence so he wonʼt have the strength to run away but remain in his room in fear. They both took turns with him, and one would think that his cries would stop the rueful act from happening but only after an hour of the dishonor and running blood from him onto his white sheets did they decide to let him be.

Never had Jabu spoken of this incident as it seemed unreal. His psyche and body were demoralized and all he thought of doing was to book a bus ticket and head straight home. It was the 30th of November where a cool breeze took its time to bring Jabuʼs sight back to the present. The trauma was so terrifying that he began resenting humans and started to appreciate his aloneness. The trauma was a labor of ache in the sense that heʼd want to run home where he could feel safe and not relive the incident. His big brother John was a mechanical engineer who resides in Cape Town and is settled with his fiancé Sophie. They havenʼt spoken in three months and it dawned on Jabu recently as he wants to be surrounded by all his family members and seclude himself in their presence. As much as Jabuʼs introverted nature was loud, his efforts to secure a peaceful environment in their home was his delightful duty and was certainly good at it. This time he needn’t be at the giving end of the communication process but receive all the tender love and empathy he deserves from his family, the only people he still considers righteous in this world.

His parents were on the road to pick up their last born daughter from boarding school for the holidays. It was a proud moment for them knowing that their precious child has conquered the monstrous walk of independence where she dealt with academic pressure and mental health issues. She became one of the top students in her school and obtained six distinctions out of her 7 subjects, which she never managed to do before. When they arrived to pick up their daughter they promised to take her to a museum or a park of her choice the following day just to congratulate her on her accomplishments. It was a really warm gesture and everyone was very happy. Until it got really dark on the streets with cars tumbling left and right on every 5th street as people were planning to go to their homes in public and private transportation services and Jabuʼs father forgot to take his car for service to check up on his lights and oil. So he could barely see on the road but managed to get as far as 20km until a drunk truck driver lost control and crashed into Jabuʼs family. It was tragic and bloody. There was no movement, no life. It was the end for them. No point of return. All of this while Jabu was waiting patiently at home, slightly anxious as they were taking forever to come back home. He called several times to both his parents, and no one answered. More calls and text messages to his little sister as well, but no reception. He panicked but sedated himself with antidepressants to force him into believing that they may have been caught up and decided to sleep at a hotel or a relative, just something, anything to keep him sane and hopeful.

In the 6am news it was reported that there was an accident between four people and there were no survivors. Jabu enjoyed watching the 6am news to kickstart his brain activity, not this time around. This news made him numb and completely empty. He felt like a dry river with no tears left to cry. Nothing was sweet for him anymore. In his eyes there was no life to live anymore and chose to bury himself in deep depression and separation. Fortunately the news did its rounds in the tabloids, magazines and newspapers on that day, and John had time to peruse one outlet. He was shattered. Shaken by the daunting and sorrowful reality that has become his story. Just two days ago he had informed his parents about his promotion at work and the confirmation date for his wedding. All of that feels faint after this occurrence. He wasted no time but to contact Jabu and ask how he felt, but Jabu had silenced his phone. That was when John decided to head back home to the Free State.

He put in leave at his workplace and hours later he arrived home and found Jabu laying on the floor, with no blanket to clothe his cold skin that had been kissed by the cold tiled floor for countless hours. John did not say anything. He put down all his flaws, and embraced his young brother with a hug that reminded him of how Jabu nurtured this home and gave it life with his humor, intelligence, freewill and commitment. Jabuʼs mother really loved Jabu and was very tender with him because he is so sensitive. They would have intimate movie nights and days where they would just sit still in silence or converse about their emotions and lessons, good and bad. They were best friends, fearlessly connected heart to heart. It was tragic how everything happened in such a short period of time. Jabuʼs face was so pale and his breath lost its rhythm as he finally tried to speak to his brother. “Donʼt speak, mfana. Just be still. It is okay. I am here for you all the way,” John comforted Jabu. The flashbacks of the rape made him feel evenly victimized when John innocently caressed his arms and aggressively pushed him away and pleaded him to not touch him, in the very same tone he used during the past act. John was perplexed to witness a sight he had never seen before. Jabu never expresses himself in rage or anger, so this was something new. He got up from the floor and began screaming and yelling at John, kicking the furniture and breaking a few glasses, and ran around the house til he felt dizzy enough to make him throw up. John was mature enough to realize that it could be his way to cope with the pain, and so he allowed it. This became a routine for the next 3 days before the funeral and Jabu contained himself and began to mourn at ease with his family.

(Two weeks later)

Jabuʼs aunt, uncle and cousin were obliged to stay with Jabu until a more permanent or final decision was made. It was okay with Jabu as he had inherited the house, but he still preferred to choose his aloneness. And that is why he avoided sitting at home and dwelling in the nostalgia of his home and memories. So he went to the park alone and there he met an old friend, Sipho. He didnʼt want company that day, and certainly not from Sipho. It had been 8 years of personal contact and it was gray.

“Hey Jabu. It is so good to see you again. I know you may have not expected me, and by the look on your eyes you are not delighted to see me. I guess I deserve it for everything I have done to you in the past. And it is something that I have been working on, you know, change and regeneration and healing. I have been to rehab for 4 years, and I have not felt more sane than I do now. And I know that you may find this silly, but the thought of you made me recover. You were the only one who accepted me with my baggage and believed in me. And I am so glad we met because I have been dying to ask for your forgiveness. Please find it in your heart to release any animosity you have towards me. I really am sorry,” says Sipho. After a good three deep breaths, Jabu responds, “I didnʼt think I would ever see you again. Especially now with everything that is going on. I am glad that you are okay and you have found peace with yourself, and I forgive you, truly. But it is best that we do not be in contact again. Let us just move forward separately.”

Something quite unusual for Sipho is how cold Jabuʼs body felt when he spoke and how he showed no emotion. It was different in a sense that Sipho could tell that there is more to this than what he gave out. For the young two years they were friends back in primary school Sipho was highly observant of Jabuʼs character; knew his strengths and weaknesses, favorite color and movie, favorite book and food, favorite musical artist and quotes. None of these warm traits and more reflected in what is in front of him. Jabu looks broken and Sipho wants to do better. “Are you okay?” Feeling that his peace is being disturbed he exclaimed the following, “Look Sipho, I forgave you, right? I donʼt need your pretense now or ever. I have buried my mom, dad and little sister right after I was gang raped. If you want to know how I feel, well, I feel nothing. I am a walking corpse with nothing to live for. I have thought about killing myself but my bloody conscience tells me otherwise. I have never mentioned this to anyone because it is not something you can just casually chat about over drinks or at a park or restaurant. Now please, please just-” interjected by the warmest hug the two have ever shared in their life, Sipho shares his condolences and affection, and this very moment was what took him back to a place where he found hope, being close to Jabu. Perhaps this was never the right time to do what Sipho has been patiently waiting to do with no regrets and the utmost passion. And even when he knows of Jabuʼs heterosexuality and radical acts of activism for LGBT+ rights, how he only bullied him back then because he was jealous of him and wanted his undying attention, his overall life, and mostly how he feels now, he thought the right thing to do was seal and piece it all with a kiss.

Written: January 2020