Conditional Love

“I need you,” Selena proclaimed.

Drawing imaginary hearts on her lap with the shadows of her fingertips in the corridor of the 7th floor of the flats she resided in, she feels the silence of the 3am paranormal activities wading in her demise. She has been on a phone call with her boyfriend for about an hour and still feels the immediacy of having their bodies pressed onto each other. A 23–year-old student with pursuits of graduating for her Accounting degree has been in a calculating rotative cycle with self-validation for the past two years with no wins. Selena is an overachiever in academia, a thriller film enthusiast, and a daughter of a rapist.

A sports maniac, Brian, with well-defined eyebrows, pretty brown skin, pink lips, and a scent of a god charmed Selena on their separate walks to use the cinema; it was the premier of the 2019 film “Us” starring Lupita Nyong’o – a thriller where a character by the name of Adelaide Wilson who returns to the beachfront home where she grew up as a child. Haunted by a traumatic experience from the past, Adelaide grows increasingly concerned that something bad is going to happen. Her worst fears soon become a reality when four masked strangers descend upon the house, forcing the Wilsons into a fight for survival. The wakefulness of the content triggered the imagination of Selena as she was sitting on the fourth seat in the front row, while Brian was sitting at the back of her. Mind you these strangers of different background settings were coincidentally into thriller films, maybe because of their mysterious histories that have drawn them to find their way to this space.

Around 9pm the film had ended, and Selena noticed this fine man with a chiseled chest and broad shoulders, waiting for a Uber cab to take him home. “My sincere greetings, fine man. How did you find the movie?” Selena with her polished English asked Brian. “It was very cool. I loved every minute of it. By the way, my name is Brian, in case you were wondering.” A faint gust of wind brushed her hair so carelessly that as she fixed her hair strands that were playing on her face Brian was mesmerized and undoubtedly enticed by the way her lips formed good speech, the stature in which her legs supported, her smile and the biggest trunk Brian has been exposed to in a minute. “So you are a fan of thriller films too or you are bored from your daily routine?,” Selena said with a grin. With intended chuckles he responded, “I like delving into dark stories, filling my mind with perplexities, shunning the presence of my void, you catch the drill?” After a good long glance at him, her lips started trembling and her skin glowed, trying so hard to mask away her fears and the little sweat that ran from the armpits, the only words she murmured were, “I am in awe.” They had been talking for the past 30 minutes, way past the delay time of their individual Uber drives; only to find out that they had not requested their services. And so Brian offered to take her to the nearest coffee shop as she warms up before the Uber arrives. Discussing the tale of the film, learning about each other’s interests and fantasies happened to be one of the best times of their lives. As the Uber arrived they made sure they exchanged numbers before departing from each other.

“Good morning, beautiful ray of sunshine. I hope the moon did not scorch you in the night, and that your heart has formed a new love. I want you to have a good day and produce positive thoughts. Take care of yourself.” (a text that Brian had sent to Selena the following day) Giggling from her bedroom sheets on her day off from attending classes, she takes small gulps of still water and rejoices with a young dance accompanied by the sounds of Jill Scott as she thinks of what to text back. Caught in the moment of whimsical romance she finally responds, “Hey, Brian. I truly appreciate your sweet and kind words. More so I am pleased that you took the time to check up on me. I hope your morning coffee was great. I hope that your day is graced with the fruits of good labor. Take care.” The sun was beaming, the birds were chirping, flowers were smiling from the park three miles away from Selena’s block of flats where she had gone to finish off her assignments. Brian was a part-time Business Management tutor at Damelin College at the Pretoria City Campus. He graduated last year and has been focusing on his long-term goals which includes having his own sports camp accommodating sports such as football, cricket and tennis. He is the black sheep of the family, being the only offspring who was never interested in the studies of mathematics and science. He is the second born of Mariam and John who are elite persons with qualifications at the number of 5 each. He has 2 siblings; Lehlogonolo who is 27 years old, married with a child and a health practitioner; and Thomas who is 18 years old with dreams of becoming a scientist. They had moved from the Free State to Hatfield in Pretoria three years ago when most of their occupations required that they move to avoid traveling too much.

Four hours passed without a response from Brian to Selena’s text. She becomes anxious and overthinks how she presented herself, the manner in which she responded to the text, their previous conversation last night, and her history with boyfriends (which was weird because they had not yet confirmed that they are dating). Selena was a perfectionist in regards to her academics, family oriented matters, personal organisation, but was still a foundation phase learner when it came to relationships. She is somebody who is clingy, expectant of receiving attention whenever she wants it, pressed with depression and anxiety, and an ambivert.  She picks up her phone and starts texting, “Dude, are you not going to respond to my text more especially when I was too nice to even respond to yours? I mean I acknowledge the fact that we do not know each other that well, but I thought you were kind, you know, different. But I shall give you your space, and I will contain mine. Nice to meet you.” After his 6-hour shift that is the first thing he is alerted to, and with no energy to attend Selena’s dramatic antics he walks to the taxis corner Madiba and Lilian Ngoyi Streets. When he arrived at his place he took off his clothes and showered and thereafter laid his naked ass to the bed to catch up on the series he had pre-recorded. The green light on his phone was still flickering as a sign that he had received messages (two of them being from Selena) and he thought he was ready to speak to her. So he video called her. Sweet naïve Selena answered the call.

Pretending to be uninterested in the chat Selena spent most of the time quiet and had one word responses. Until she realised that Brian was naked, and that was the first time she had seen his bare chocolate coated skin, layered with a chiseled chest and abs that enticed the waves of her thighs. “I need you,” she said in a soft voice. Brian was not clueless as to the intentions of her speech, and he suggested that they meet up. Selena did not hesitate despite the fact that it was only 3am. Brian gets up and requests an Uber, while on the other side Selena prepares herself by taking a hot shower, laying the lingerie that has been lounging in her wardrobe for a while on her bed, a new perfume that she has been meaning to experiment (for the perfect moment), and removed the books that were all over the room. She made sure that her room looked and smelled perfect. A notification text comes in reading: “I’m outside.” She rushes downstairs as if she wanted people of all floors to smell her scent. And when she finally arrived Brian was pleased to see her, but wondered why she came running down the stairs when there is a lift that’s working. He gave her a hug and went into the elevator. She started undressing him with her imagination, reflecting the sneak peak of his upper body from their video call. She bites her lower lip. Brian was not innocent at all as he was hoping that she would just back up her booty right there and then. They finally arrived at the room and Selena wasted no time. She started kissing him, drawing her body closer to him so she could feel his raw outer body. As things escalated and the mood intensified Brian threw Selena to the bed, undressed her lingerie and his clothes, unwrapped a condom and got hung off the temple before him. Selena was trembling, her skin was crawling on her sheets, waiting to be fucked. The deed was done so perfectly that the playlist which featured DVSN and TWENTY88 synchronized with Selena’s moans. After 40 minutes Brian commanded, “Come here, place your mouth on my rod and let me cum in you.” Selena was immediately turned off and protested, “I do not suck dick after copulation. I mean it already rearranged my inner and now you want to rearrange my face and mouth too? No thanks.” A pissed Brian stood from the bed and said, “This is why I prefer having sex with guys.”

“What the hell?! You are gay?!” Brian feeling utterly disrespected he sends himself to the bathroom to jerk off and clean up, get dressed and request an Uber. 5 minutes later the Uber arrives and sends Brian off to his place safely. Selena with disgust and shame she drags herself to the shower to console the feelings that she had already developed for Brian. The history with Selena’s relationships is that she is always the first to fall in love with them without considering her intuition. Her past 5 relationships have been a wreck of emotional distress and an invitation of the past. When she was 3 years old her mother passed away and months later was raped by her father (more than once). Her elderly relatives were so cold towards her and weren’t empathetic enough to accommodate her. Fortunately her one aunt from the North West province raised her with three of her children. She had a good upbringing as her aunt ensured that she received a great education, and childhood memories that were not traumatic. Until one night in her 6th year on earth her uncle bought her children books, a drawing pad, and a calculator. Her uncle Job was the first man he had ever loved. He was her hero. She was comfortable staying with them. She felt like she was relearning how home felt like, how laughter sounded, what love is. But the social trials of her high school were difficult that her smart brains could not even comprehend. She had her first date with a boy when she was 16 at a complex center near the local library where they would always go and study and wait for their elders to fetch them later in the day. Their 4 months relationship was broken, because Thato (the boy) had kissed another girl due to the fact that Selena was not ready to be intimate with him. The following partners carried the same pattern of brokenness and non-reciprocity.

Selena seeks pleasure in being needy, because she believes knowing the whereabouts of her boyfriend would settle a score with her past relationships. She believes that by allowing herself to be vulnerable and giving to a man is what will keep the relationship stable and hopefully strong. But after her experience with Brian she is giving herself time to recover and get to know the source of her issues. She has never been to therapy to cancel the subscription of pain in her life, because she is a “perfectionist and not at fault.” Brian on the other hand had blocked Selena’s number and decided to make peace with his ex-boyfriend.

Written: May 2019