Mend your Masculinity.

What if being masculine meant that you didn’t have to “man up”? This is a question that rushed in my subconscious the first time I chose to not mince my expressions. I recall a memory of needing to escape from the hands of pressure, doctrines, ache and loneliness, which all built a wall so strong that it was difficult to utter a word of caution. During my senior year of high school there were moments that were really adamant on lifting my sight to development as a young man. I mentioned ailments that dragged me to lay on the floor, not to be grounded, but to rot in the system that’s designed to alienate and eventually annihilate me. 

The pressures of closing off my emotions, of not recognizing self as divine enough to indulge in feeling and being, dreaded my relationship with my folks and social circles. When I could not concentrate on my academics due to the awareness of my spiritual and emotional blockages, and not knowing the language of vulnerability, I wrote a tiny note to my folks which said, “I need help. I am not okay. Please let me consult with a doctor or psychologist.” The response is still fresh like yesterday’s dried brown leaves on the ground, sad, deflecting, winter. I instantly locked myself in my room and cried because a boy needs the acknowledgment, comfort, tenderness and trust of his folks. All this reflects the doctrines of toxic masculinity; that we are not to seek help, avoid feeling anything but rage and wear it as our mask, develop unhealthy habits like lack of communication, and compare ourselves with each other. These stereotypes were in everything I was exposed to: familial relationships, mass media, social groups, friendships. It’s such conditionings that motivated me to disassociate with people and drown in loneliness.

What I have learned from the great Gloria Jean Watkins, a professor, feminist and social activist, but we all celebrate her by her writing name bell hooks, is to define/name our situations, positive or negative, and to my observation for recognition and resolution. Clearly there’s a demonic system that alienates people from responding to life in a responsible manner, that teaches one to isolate himself, to be poisoned by the notion of being in control and dominating anybody who is not of their gender. The system is patriarchy. Inasmuch as patriarchy has granted men benefits such as individualism, material wealth, entertainment, traditional power, influence, to name a few, its charge in diluting his spirit as a man to not respect and cater to the needs of others [women, children, men of the minority], to see self as more important than others, does not only fool him into oblivion but it wrecks his purpose. The clutches of patriarchy are so strong that you don’t see your worth and learn to identify your personal beliefs when you submit to its will.

“Hating men was just another way to not take men and masculinity seriously. It was simply easier for feminist women to talk about challenging and changing patriarchy than it was for us to talk about men – what we knew and did not know, about the ways we wanted men to change.” – bell hooks

Have you noticed a pattern of anger in children and women and queer men, especially born out of homes where qualities such as compassion, communication, empathy, and honesty, were not the foundation? This anger is translated in the longing of the father figure’s discontinuation of life; hope that his breath would cease and would not see him again, comfort of knowing that he is mortal and anything drastic can happen to him, the image of his disconnected soul and raging violence gone. The structures patriarchy builds, not just in domestic homes, but in every social setting destructs our society. Men don’t want to be told what to do. Men believe that they have everything under control. As untrue as this is, and debilitating to devour, this is the energy that men walk and produce with.

I was called a sissy from the tender age of 10, because I wasn’t interested in partaking in the dating culture, played sports, spent a majority of my time in spaces with other boys, spoke a specific lingo, didn’t have the same hairstyles, same clothes and shoes that the other boys had. A part of me was disheartened that I wasn’t offered the opportunity to relate to other boys. Maturing into early adulthood, it’s still a bumpy road to interact with men. Although I am emotionally capable of engaging in anything with anyone, no matter their background, race, sexual orientation, it’s been a mission of mine to adopt a progressive mandate of communicating with men specifically. Most of the men in my personal circle of friends and acquaintances are heterosexual, and I know how tough seeping through their consciousness of their true desires is. But that doesn’t discourage me. A simple “how are you feeling?” brings the utmost change in a man’s psyche, because it challenges him to really investigate the intent of the source, to surrender to the feminine energy (empathy) that the source of the question derives from, and allows him to question patriarchy’s values and whether or not they’ve granted him emotionality.

There are women who’re controlled by patriarchy. Women who choose to avoid their children’s feelings when they are present. Women who accept abuse from men as a symbol of obedience. Women who account to society for the ills that the men in their personal lives have maintained. But still these women and feminist women yearn to be loved by men. Queer men too desire to be respected by men. Acceptance is present when truth is the cornerstone of your life. To alleviate the fear of living with men, we all need to sound the gospel of oneness in ourselves in every aspect. We need to start speaking to men with a kindness that they are worthy to be listened to. We need to advice men to be vulnerable, to engage with other men freely (not to exchange lip about the rotten desires of sexual fantasies or violence to women or mistreatment of children or abuse to other men), watch and listen to innovative mass media products, to abolish the patriarchal system, to see everyone on earth as worthy of respect.

There is no life without love. And that’s why we need to re-envision humanity’s laws which I concur with bell hooks’ idea(s): “our affinity for one another, caring connections with people of all ages and backgrounds and genders, sensual enjoyment of our bodies, passionate self-expression, exhilarating desire, tender love for ourselves and for another, vulnerability, help with our difficulties, gentle rest, getting and staying close with many people in many kinds of relationships.” In this way men can learn how to voice out their feelings and not violate themselves by accepting the norm of manning up and swallowing every hurt and pressures of being strong and commanding and unhealthy, and worse, exploiting everyone else of their humanness. When given the space to open up, the universe will grant us the favor of attracting humility, prosperity, and support. We won’t see each other as opposition, but as the beloved of the Source of life.