nevermore.

the uncertainty of how the 365 days would go really plunged in my mental this year. normally i’d feel hopeful to write and contemplate on resolutions/plans to create a drive and feel alive. it hasn’t been easy, and i doubt it ever will. the hurdles that i’ve had to learn how to jump felt like a marathon that needed discipline instead of escapism, patience instead of bypassing. and i don’t know what made that the system of the first two quarters; perhaps the lack of boundaries in place which made me feel more insecure and ungodly; the constant push-and-pull that bred chaos. 

taking deep breaths to draw my attention to the present moment wasn’t always the order. zero romance and money made it uncomfortable to accept such a reality. my heart always believed that there is so much more to learn, give and receive. i’ve learned how being too accessible can lead to destruction and manipulation. the intention of my kindness and talents that have come across each table presented (invited and stepped up to) have been taken for granted. i thought that i’d finally find a community where trust is built, where passions are fulfilled and love is at the center. instead my unorthodox demeanor was too hardcore for their insensitivity. apparently i’m too bold, too sure of myself, too quiet, too many things that i’ve actually really hoped to become. and i can understand that a person of my stature – grounded and developing a healthy sense of self – can be threatening to people who choose not to evolve. 

naturally i’ll always give. there is a lightness that enters my body when i offer parts of myself to a project, people, spaces, that i sometimes fail to articulate. i prefer not to question it though for there is a God who’s limitless whom my faith relies on. a God who is able and favorable enough to help me understand the make up of this world, and how i should move with grace. despite the heartache of not being on the same emotional wavelength as my folks and counterparts, i’ve become relentlessly delicate that it’s becoming a norm to stand up for myself. i’m not always confident. but there’s a fire that burns on my water that yearns to create a life worth celebrating. i’ve acquired new skills, one that includes me obtaining a driver’s license. a longtime fear conquered, one that still needs to be discarded. i’ve met new people that i like enough to spend more time with. a new working environment that is tedious but quite fruitful in how i visualize the important things to me, the structure i need to maintain to be happy. i see all the losses now as organization, especially since i have so much to grieve for. i accept the changes as they are molding a newness that require prioritization. in all of this, i pray that i don’t lose my true essence of softness, creativity, playfulness, adornment. i’m a witness through and through. i will live.