SELF (a write to your mind)
- Jul 18, 2025
- 9 min read
CHAPTER I: The Source of a River
It is easier to run straight for the knife when every heart you encounter leaves your feet on broken glass. Loneliness becomes a drug to conceal your bated breath from elating with the skies. The consummation of darkening thoughts is detrimental to the bones that ache for peace and a sense of belonging.
Dressed in black, Demetrius was covered in sunrise jubilance; a delight to his neighborhood of outspoken peers, devoted middle-aged persons, with the serene aura of palm trees and unfortunate visits of broken dreams. He was a 13-year-old born from a family of 4 siblings, him being the oldest. Childhood aspirations were to follow the path of his personal hero, his father Donald, who has been a surgical doctor for a period of 18 years. Donald was undoubtedly passionate about his field of work and his determination is what led Demetrius to believe that anything is possible when you have passion and your mind is secured in sanity and productivity.
Tamia, Demetrius’ mother, had already decided to sink into the hole that unemployment and grief had built, but the sight of her children allows her to wear a smile on her face each day. With kindness as the cornerstone of her heart, she is regarded as the “mother” of her neighborhood, because she is open to listen to anyone and understand them. She always has radical words wrapped in her plummy voice. Growing up an orphan she had learned to be independent at the age of 6. Fortune and family are her pride, but who knew that having everything you had dreamed of owning would result in washing away sandcastles you built for your own happiness.
Touching the coldness of his bedroom floor, Demetrius decides to isolate himself from yet another high school social event. It is mid-May and the welcome of a new season ushers the sound of joy for most kids as it’s their time to finally “flex” the recent additions in their wardrobes. Demetrius’ best friend of 7 years, Jason, who is an ambivert decided to visit Demetrius as it has been a while since they spent time together away from school. With the cool breeze, red wine, a season of their favorite series on Netflix, and pizza as their guests for the hangout it instantly turned out to be a sleepover which was a pleasure to the both of them.
The two met through a friendship shared between their mothers, Tamia and Sarah, and it has been nothing short of bliss. From kindergarten (pre-school) they have just been drawn to each other’s energies like two atoms assembled in one nucleus. Demetrius identifies himself to be homosexual and has never been in a romantic relationship due to his high social anxiety yet admirable interest in philosophy and psychology. Jason on the other hand is under the weather with the sudden transition in his sexual orientation, and has neo-soul music and introspection as his guide to find answers.
CHAPTER II: Lamentation
It’s date night and the moon decided to grace Tamia and Donald. For a surgical doctor Donald has shown a great interest in astrology as their introductory conversation was about birth natal charts, mercury retrograde, and mystical divination practices. In their 20 years of marriage it seems as though they were only learning about each other again, which is a sign of growth and acceptance as they are finally unlearning pain and relearning love. Tamia is not one to open up, but she felt a new energy of release inside of her. She spoke of the emotional and verbal abuses she encountered from her uncle when she was still a toddler, of how compassion had never been a trait she related with, of how spirituality was a hug from a place where she finally found peace, and how their children are her source of strength.
Back at home Demetrius and Jason are in nirvana. As the sound of rain blesses their table of thoughts and the wine gradually kisses their speech of truth, Jason decides to pause the series playing and converse about sexuality. There is a sudden astonishment on Demetrius’ face, but it grew into a smile knowing that his best friend is finally comfortable to learn about all facets of sexuality. “How did you discover your sexuality?” Jason asks. “It was not the pressure or pleasure of being accepted by anyone, but the feeling of finally existing in my truth,” says Demetrius. After a three second sigh Jason realizes how much he has always been fond of Demetrius’ intelligence, aloneness, and embrace. What he has managed to hide for the past two years is how he gets lost in Demetrius’ eyes and the hugs they share.
“I want to nurture you and help you remove the thorns of your spirit. I want to be present when you teach yourself how to love again. I want to navigate the motions of the moon and stars with you. I adore you, my precious,” says Donald with tears in his eyes. Breaking free from the chains that have locked her soul for years, Tamia reconnects with the man who planted her roots from the floors she almost buried herself under. Date night was an absolute delight; feelings were the favorite meal course, tears were the sweetest beverages, and love made the night young.
It’s midnight and the moon spreads the spirit of transparency in Demetrius’ room. In a matter of seconds an unexpected call from Demetrius’ nemesis Zeke disrupts Jason’s train of thought as he is aware of who is calling Demetrius. Demetrius answers the call in annoyance of all the raving Zeke did about the school party, and suddenly Jason walks out of the room and bangs on the bathroom door, almost near to sobbing. In passive aggression Demetrius shuts down Zeke and ends the call to check up on Jason, only to find a pale face with red eyes that have obviously been through a rush of an emotional rollercoaster. “Why are you crying? Are you feeling okay? Come, rest on my arms,” Demetrius says with a comforting tone. With another round of tears falling from Jason’s eyes the only words he could utter were, “Demetrius…I…can’t…do…this…anymore.” A sudden sense of worry runs through Demetrius’s veins and cannot help but try to comprehend what his friend may be going through by revisiting the conversation they had tonight.
CHAPTER III: Know Yourself
Jason has had his fair share of being in romantic relationships, his previous being his most toxic one. His ex-girlfriend was a goth and didn’t believe in being emotionally available to anyone. This drove Jason to the nearest train of suicide. It was difficult to overcome this as he is the only child at home with no other kid around him who would relate to his situation, but the light within Demetrius saved him from death. With divorced parents Jason found pleasure in consuming alcohol, smoking weed, being passive aggressive towards ignorant people, eating ice-cream when he feels like sobbing, and his favorite thing to do was slitting his wrists – all this to find a way to escape his reality. He stays with his mother while his father has built another home with his significant other. Sarah, Jason’s mother, has fought all struggles to maintain a stable home for her son and has been failing to sustain her own peace of mind and pursuit of happiness.
Sirens in the mind, a wine bottle in hand, and a knock from emptiness visits Sarah’s broken heart. Reminiscing about the pain she experienced in her marriage; the infidelity, the loneliness, the inconsideration, the responsibilities, the feelings… all let her drown in the end of four wine bottles and a trip to unconsciousness. Jacob, Jason’s father, has three children with his now-fiancé, and has always taken Jason for granted. Their relationship was hanging on a fence as Jason was respectively living on the edge and Jacob always being absent; they met in the middle in the name of temporary love and perverseness. Sarah thought Jason would be a symbol of radical change for Jacob, but reverse faults tore them apart instead.
“What is it that you cannot do J, please open up to me,” Demetrius pleads to Jason. With the willingness to want to break free and finally disappoint the skeletons in his closet, Jason finally speaks out. “Demetrius, I love you. I get lost in the ocean of your eyes. I get jealous when you are given attention or vice versa by other boys. I want to be your fresh water, your nightingale, your summer sunshine, your reason to believe in romantic love. I am sorry for deceiving you the past two years, for making you believe that I am sane and happy. But I will not apologize for befriending you because you have taught me love, you have saved me from a pool of sharks, you have continuously caressed my thoughts with your empathy. I-,” as he finally retrieved the good sound of his voice Demetrius interrupts him with a kiss.
The two best friends have been each other’s confidants for the longest of time, and one may think that this new development will most probably ruin the friendship, but instead it broke the ice that froze both their individual intrinsic emotions. Credo Mutwa once said, “let the divine feminine rise from within you.” Boys are taught to be emotionally unavailable and tough, which evidently breeds a toxic masculine energy in their spirits. They are unable to breathe in the newness of love, vulnerability, openness and freedom, because the system has instilled fear and loss of self-control in them. Gladly this is not a product of the two friends’ characters as they have fought to be their positive motivating forces in the form of self-care practices, prayer, cohesiveness, watching mental health videos, being honest with each other, and continuing their journey of self-discovery.
CHAPTER IV: Fill me up
“Wait…did you just say two years? This is what you have been harboring this entire time? How do you even have the energy? Wow Jason, I am truly at a loss for words,” an appalled Demetrius comments. Lost in a ten second stare, Jason tries to make sense of what happened in the last thirty minutes on Demetrius’ bathroom floor. Avoiding the overwhelming rush of thoughts, he asks, “Did you just kiss me?” Demetrius tries to dismiss the question by asking Jason to wash his face from all the crying. A reluctant Jason stands up and splashes his face with cold water from the basin, and thereafter carries a few millimeters in his hands and has Demetrius’ hair wet. After a few rounds of getting wet Jason oversteps the fun by grabbing Demetrius’ butt. Demetrius wasn’t uncomfortable with it, but he preferred the two remain friends. They finally decide to accommodate their beds and say goodbye to the day in anticipation of what the next few hours beholds.
Battling with abandonment and bipolar disorder, Jacob has been misunderstood as rude and inconsiderate (which is rightful judging his past and current actions). But how does one comfort a clinically depressed person who registers coldness in his mentality and appreciates the taste of evil in his tongue, how does one reconcile with him after being emotionally tormented and spiritually tainted? It is a call for concern. The dawn of a new day has apathy as its bread and a letter as the wildflower of two residences gardens. Jacob shares his last words in a suicide note dedicated to both Sarah and Jessica (his fiancé), and his body accompanies with vodka bottles and pills lay bare in his study room. A section of the note stated: “Nothing in this world brought joy to my spirit. Nothing resounded in my mental. Nothing breathed life in my heart. My children are a product of a selfish man, an insane man embedded with clinical illnesses, and whose marriage to loneliness and hatred was the only home he knew he would carelessly live in. I apologize for being the reason you collect your pieces each day. I apologize for the sad songs that bruise your soul and the elegy you are yet to write (I pray you don’t, because I’m not worthy). I am going to find myself in another world, my world…”
In the nighttime Jason becomes a wolf who self-destructs to melancholic activities that led him to numbness, hopelessness and a paranormal time travel to scenes where his father finally felt the warmth of his love and learned the music of his heartbeats. The sensation of weed became his favorite feeling knowing that Demetrius can never be his lover and his mother may never know peace, but his shadow swallowed him back to his senses as he reflects on the only true love he has ever been exposed to, his mother’s love. At 4am he dedicated his remnants to the God of peace, and with every sigh he collects his soul and reminds himself of the purity of his spirit and the roots of Sarah’s nurturing heart. He was winning the war of death and appreciating the essence of life, and this time he freed himself independently. He was proud to begin a new life of acknowledging and loving self.
A wallowing winter this has been and its cold wasn’t the tea this time around. A field filled with caskets occupying the living and the dead was an ill fare in the neighborhood. Cleo Wade empathetically wrote: “Get honest with yourself. Be the person you are the clearest with. Be the person you are the most fearless with. These are the seeds that turn your life into a garden of authenticity.” Jacob believed in reaching out to his energy through dispersion. Sarah wailed until a river washed away her turmoil. Jason resurrected his milk and honey. Donald and Tamia redeemed their love. And Demetrius remained tending his wings so he could fly to the true revelation of his loving energy.
Written: April 2019
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